2024 is Ending, so Why Not Do It For the Plot

As the end of 2024 approaches, it’s finally time to make your move. It is time to start filling out your bucket list with all those things that you never thought that you’d achieve—until now. As the main character, you need to do it for the plot. No more hiding behind filler or world-building episodes! We have just the right recommendations to start you off.

Harem Speedrun Any Percent

After not receiving any sweaters on December 3, you may think that even your dirt-poor grades are higher than your chances of not ending the year single. However, remember you have main character plot armor! You’re practically guaranteed a date by the end of the year. And don’t just limit yourself to one date—set your horizons further! There's got to be tons of people out there fighting over your potential ships, right? It’s time for you to speedrun your own harem.

Start by looking on a crush confession page. Surely “that one guy on the fifth floor” has to be you, right? Make sure to find all your secret admirers hiding in plain sight. A method with guaranteed results is to walk up to people directly and ask them out. The worst they could say is “no,” right?

Once you've successfully wooed an entourage of lovers, be sure to post your time on the speedrun.com leaderboards. Not only will you have actually found love, but you’ll be a masterful gamer to boot.

Learn to Cook

Instead of getting cooked, start giving the world a taste of their own medicine. Start making sandwiches so you can stop being an idiot sandwich. Once you reach worldwide fame with your culinary talents, be sure to offer them to Gordon Ramsey and prepare to hear the nicest things you’ll ever hear in your life.

After mastering the sandwich, try to read a real recipe. If your grandmother forgot to leave the family recipes for you in her will, your only option is to search online. Recipes are hidden behind these strange riddles called “autobiographies,” where the author goes on cryptic tangents that mention the food once or twice. To save your noggin from dying of exhaustion before getting to turn on the stove, we recommend skipping to the part that looks like ordered instructions that even you could follow.

To really elevate your dishes, I recommend you make your ingredients from scratch. I love collecting fresh eggs from my little chicken Pumpkin Pie. She is grass-fed, free-range, non-GMO, gluten-free, vegan, biodegradable, and has a cute little hat that looks like a strawberry. I also enjoy no waste, so for the most flavor, I inject 100 percent pure caffeine into her as I lay her down and butcher her—it really draws out the savory notes in her flesh. Even something as simple as distilling your weekly post-exam tears into some lovely manmade salt would suffice. Just remember that the greatest ingredient of all is love, even if it’s rather scarce sometimes.

As you cook, make sure to protect your hands from the stove that burns hotter than the embarrassment of raising your hand in class and getting a question wrong. You might not be able to handle something that’ll be the closest you’ll get to the warmth of another human being. As you try to multitask the 15 different responsibilities you have, you might start to realize that procrastination isn’t an option and that old habits die hard. Just because you live like a rat doesn’t necessarily mean that you cook like one is puppeting you.

For plating, arrange everything in a manner so that all the perspective lines point away from the failure you’ve made. For some final garnishes to make your dry chicken seem at least appetizing enough to give to your dog, add some spices. Spices stop things from being bland and boring, which probably explains your unfamiliarity with them.

With all this new experience, you might be tempted to start a restaurant. Don’t. Sure, you’ll get lots of business for your very unique creations, but you'll find tricky competitors such as the local apothecaries and assassins, who will try to concoct a poison stronger than your cooking.

Finally Stop Doomscrolling 

You’ve been telling everyone and their mother that you were going to delete Instagram and lock in this year. It’s December. Forget Spotify Wrapped; if there was a 2024 Life Wrapped, yours would most likely say something like: blades of grass touched: -2, escalators fallen off: 30 (five was your longest streak on February 14!), and volume of tears shed: 602,389,234 cubic inches. 

Let’s face it. Just because you watch reels of a dog wearing jeans and a gray sweatshirt doesn’t mean that you’re a chill guy. The bags under your eyes and sweat marks on one side of your screen protector scream otherwise. No need to check your screen time, the signs have always been obvious. The delusions have to stop here.

Are you the jerk for ignoring your friends and family? Yes. Yes, you are. Your attempt at avoiding them isn't just “ghosting,” it’s irresponsible. Do you even remember their names? (And by names, we mean their full government name, not their Discord or Instagram handle). Korea was able to lift martial law in six hours, and you? You don’t even get that many hours of sleep in a day and the only thing you were able to lift in that time is your finger to swipe up.

Considering the level of severity, popping over to visit the therapist you stopped seeing because you were “too busy with schoolwork” might be the only solution. However, in the case that your daily four hours of “mama, there’s a girl behind you” reels have you suffering symptoms of blue light withdrawal, such as staring at your therapist with your mouth agape and eyes soulless, you could always bust out an interpretive dance! Your therapist will definitely understand, and they may be so touched that they’ll sign you up for a unique internship in a cozy room with white, padded walls. In my experience, I’ve found the staff to be extremely thoughtful; they even help you get dressed in a fashionable white jacket with multiple high-quality buckles lining the back!

Dye Your Hair—Actually, Just Go Bald

Everyone says hair holds memory, but hey, it’s the end of the year, what could you possibly need to remember? Whatever happened on July 4, 1776? Nah. All that matters is your declaration of independence from a world of dyed pink buzzcuts and 30-minute long hairstyle tutorials that’ll make you look like a porous, yellow Bikini Bottom house. A breath of fresh air is all you need in your monotonous lifestyle, and frankly, it’d be the only thing you’ll be feeling on your scalp this December. But why only get frostbite on your fingers? 

Baldness is often depicted in a negative light, with those who proudly show off their glossy crowns being constantly asked if their hair got blown away by the wind or targeted by wigs salesmen. But, if we really think about it, what does this discrimination against the lack of hair really say about society? You can do the thinking, but as the original mewer you are, are you really going to let them step all over you and stop you from completing the final step to your personal looksmaxxing journey? Never. 

Familiarize yourself with bald icons in order to fully understand and appreciate the culture before committing to this lifestyle. Such bald icons can be found in the dairy and egg section of the supermarket, as well as a teacher’s office in a particular school that starts with the letter “S” and rhymes with immunosuppressant. Once you’ve gotten a real feel for what a keratin-lacking diva truly is, all that’s left is to join their cult. Many teenagers nowadays prefer to go the “bleach your hair” route, but we personally believe that it’s more efficient to just shave it all off—we both know you’ll melt your hair off anyway.

Now that you’ve finally reached the timeless peak of all hair, make sure to properly flaunt it. Whether you decide to blind people with your beauty or with the light that’s shining off of your scalp, never forget that you have no time for haters to get into your hair, but also just no hair.

Remember that with just a little bit of hard work and elbow grease, you might be able finish half of one of these! Even if you fail all of these suggestions, at least you’re still maintaining consistency, unlike all of those other people who’ve actually done something with their lives. But, fear not, there’s still New Year’s resolutions and next year’s resolutions and the year after that…