A Halloween Carol

In a harrowing experience, area man Jebeneezer Booge was visited by three ghostly apparitions in his own home. The three ghosts appeared before him to deliver a series of messages, which they claimed would make him change his selfish ways and understand the true meaning of Halloween.

The first ghost, the Ghost of Halloween Past, attempted to show Booge a vision of the past but left the premises after Booge forced it to comply with COVID guidelines. As such, the Ghost of Halloween Past opted to apply for a position at Buzzfeed (a prime source of media nowadays) and wrote an article in order to deliver its message, telling Booge to be on the lookout.

The article, titled “Top 10 Reasons that You Must Change Your Ways,” was published on October 31. An excerpt reads as follows: “I think Halloween has been excessively commercialized. It’s not about the candy, the costumes, or the decorations. What really matters is family values—such as performing pagan rituals together in order to ward off evil spirits and to ensure a healthy harvest for the following year. Nowadays, we rarely see anyone visit the druid together to find out who will survive the next winter. It’s a tragedy.”

Booge responded to the article, leaving a comment stating that “[The article] is a bunch of pretentious nonsense. You’re just trying to sound better than everyone else by criticizing something popular. You’ve never even celebrated a pagan Halloween. You died in 2020. You told me while I was trying to get you to wear a face mask.”

Indeed, after perusing through some death certificates, journalists from The Spectator confirmed that the Ghost of Halloween Past died of COVID-related issues the previous year. The Ghost maintained that it was still qualified for its position as “Ghost of Halloween Past,” as 2020 is in the past, and will continue to act as such. However, recent sources report that the Ghost is currently unable to perform its duties for the time being due to the fact that it has been hospitalized after contracting the coronavirus again.

The next ghost, the Ghost of Halloween Present, appeared before Booge after the Ghost of Halloween Past had been kicked from the household, stating: “I am the Ghost of Halloween Present! See the present, and see how you affect those around you. Change your ways, or forever repent…”

It then proceeded to show Booge a vision of the present by setting up a Zoom call with Booge’s mother. Booge thanked him, admitting that he had grown distant after moving out, and had an amicable conversation with his family. “Yeah, so like, we really need to connect with the fam, especially on the scariest night of the year, y’know? Glad I could help the dude,” said the wraith as it disappeared into oblivion.

The final spirit, the Ghost of Halloween Future, appeared to Booge, showing him yet another prophecy. Booge described the scene as a graveyard in the middle of the night, with a headstone that simply said “Here lies Tiny Tim.” Below is a transcript of their conversation.

GHOST OF HALLOWEEN FUTURE:

Gaze upon the future that will come to pass…

BOOGE:

NO! HE WAS TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD! SPIRIT! HOW DO I CHANGE MY WAYS?

GHOST OF HALLOWEEN FUTURE:

Listen to me man. There’s only one way. First, you gotta buy Halloween candy. Not those variety packs either. The full-sized bars. Then put them outside your door on Halloween unattended. A “please take only one” sign should suffice for security—

BOOGE:

Wait. What year is it?

GHOST OF HALLOWEEN FUTURE:

…2100.

[In the background, a casket can be seen being lowered into the ground.]

BACKGROUND PRIEST:

"Rest eternal grant unto them, O Lord: And let light perpetual shine upon them. May they rest in peace. F to pay respects."

CROWD, IN UNISON:

F.

[A sobbing, distraught woman can be seen attempting to fling herself into the hole with the coffin. Multiple people are holding her back.]

WOMAN:

LET ME GO! LET ME YEET OFF THIS MORTAL COIL TO BE WITH MY BROTHER!

GHOST OF HALLOWEEN FUTURE:

Yeah, so in the future, modern meme slang works its way into the mainstream vocabulary…

BOOGE:

That’s really unfortunate. And uh, since it’s 2100, I assume my actions don’t cause the death of Tiny Tim.

GHOST OF HALLOWEEN FUTURE:

…He dies of a stroke at age 91.

BOOGE:
You just want me to put out the darn candy, don’t you.

GHOST OF HALLOWEEN FUTURE:

…Yeah.

Booge proceeded to press charges, and the three ghosts were later arrested for breaking and entering.