Catching Strays From Your Own APs?

A wave of peace seems to have overcome Stuy after the AP season. The seas of MCQs and FRQs have subsided, the crisis of cramming is over, and anything that’s happened is now July 7’s problem. One of the toughest slogs of the year is over, and there’s just a perfect window of calm before the storm of finals and projects swallows up the student body once again. 

Strangely, though, the College Board’s slide into the temporary recesses of forgotten memory has been interrupted this year. An unexpected email from them was mysteriously sent to everyone’s inboxes, despite the organization’s public claims that it supposedly has nothing to do with it. Fortunately, despite the College Board’s desperate attempts to maintain their power over students by covering up any blemishes to their otherwise impenetrable exterior, The Spectator has gained access and is invested in uncovering the meaning of what appear to be… words from the APs themselves? Is this the spark that leads to rebellion, with even the College Board’s dirty minions expressing their discontent?!

“Dear Overachieving and Overconfident Little Brat,

Wow! You’re so amazing! I want to be just like you when I grow up! Ha. Just kidding. I know what you’ve said about me: I’m a cash grab by the College Board and a joke of an AP—what kind of AP has ‘pre’ in its name, anyway? I know teachers have called me a remedial class, and you probably only took the AP because your school paid for it anyway, or something. Well, guess what? I didn’t ask to be created like this, so you’d all better respect me! If I don’t see some drastic attitude improvement, maybe I won’t be around for you guys to get a free five much longer. 

Disgusted,

AP Precalc”

“Dear Overworked Serf,

It is really not that deep. History just requires a good dose of hard work and focus throughout the year. Still, everyone ends up with last-minute panic in this class. May rolls around, and people still don’t really know how to write an LEQ. They only have a vague recollection of what happened during the Italian Unification, too! If the entire system of APs were an example of capitalism, the test would be the bourgeoisie, and you’d be the proletariat, helpless to improve (at least according to Karl Marx). All of those study guides you made won’t help now. Not even Heimler can save you. In fact, I was the only AP history that he didn’t review live this year. His wise bald head must have realized you were cooked well past any hope of recovery. The test is over, and it might be over for you, too. Seems like it’s time to peacefully collapse just like James II, only without the glorious outcome that England’s revolution had.

Insincerely,

AP Euro”

“Dear Pathetic Student,

Are you helium’s IMFs? Because you’re about as weak as they come. You definitely only took this class for the aura, but you can’t even live up to it because any bonds of knowledge in your brain broke before the school year even started. The temperature must have been really hot this summer, since you couldn’t handle the increased pressure, and all your studying yielded was the definition of a mole. If you’re a current freshman and reigning AP Bio legend, think again. They’re completely different subjects, and you most definitely do not have this class locked up. You’re a master procrastinator, and the only thing that will save you in this class is a good work ethic. So what can I say? If you’re failing, it sounds like a skill issue to me. 

Get cooked,

AP Chem”

“Dear Generic High Schooler with No Passion,

I’m tired of being one of those classes that people only take because it sounds cool. Even though your school actually makes it more comprehensive, everyone just crashes out because they want the five but not the work. Taking this class as a case study, it seems like one of the most hypocritical Stuy experiences. In fact, is it even real? There’s something existentially strange in learning about depression while becoming more depressed overall, or studying sleep cycles without even experiencing them yourself. During that two-hour delay before your exam, maybe you could have predicted your performance based on the social circumstances of the situation instead of aimlessly talking. I’m still a popular AP, but is there really a point?

Appalled,

AP Psych”

“Dear Poor Soul Who Probably Got Cooked this Year,

You underestimated my power, didn’t you? “Take an easy AP,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. Well, you must realize now that you’ve picked the wrong class to mess with. Recycling? Solar panels? Light work, you must have thought. You really got played, didn’t you? There’s a reason my five rate is the lowest of all the science APs, and only AP Physics 1 has a higher percentage of fails. Get ready to see that four… or dare I say three?
Vindicated,

APES”

“Dear Beethoven Wannabe,

Music makes a well-rounded individual, and a unique AP is perfect for plumping up your college app, right? Well… no. Unless you’re some sort of prodigy who’s been playing piano since the age of two or have an unhealthy obsession with music, you probably didn’t even survive the year. Heck, you didn’t even have a chance. You *cough* definitely weren’t frantically watching videos about cadence and meter *cough* two hours before the exam, and you definitely didn’t *cough* chicken out of the actual test. After all, what was it that you did in class, anyway? Anything vaguely related to music, regardless of whether it was in the actual curriculum? Your college app is looking really great now that you have nothing to show for a supposed year’s worth of work, huh? 

Cacophonously,
AP Music Theory”

After some brief analysis, these letters seem more like insults rather than anything useful, but does the blame really fall on the APs? Maybe it truly is the fault of the student body’s awful judgment. Or maybe this just stems from a combined hatred of the College Board’s nefarious schemes trying to demoralize us all, and we have more in common with the APs than we thought. After all, the College Board, which might not be as streamlined as we’re led to believe,  tried to cover up this leak and silence the APs. Come to think of it, they already showed their weakness with all of the electronic malfunctions in Bluebook during test administration. Maybe the generational lock-in will happen this summer, and our academic results will finally be fruitful. Maybe next year will be the year that we finally challenge the power of the College Board. Or maybe it’ll just be the same as always. Either way, have a good summer, and good luck studying, Stuy!