How to Get Disowned by Your Children: Worst Holiday Gifts EVER The Spectator / Humor / Issue 10

Last Christmas, Santa broke your heart, and the very next day, you gave your gift away. This year, to save you from tears, you were hoping for something special. Unfortunately, this year, The Spectator has received reports of awful Christmas gifts given to Stuyvesant students. These people are rightfully upset about it; they’re not getting your run-of-the-mill socks or sweatshirts or anything equally boring, but instead truly horrendous gifts. 

We have compiled a list of the top-five WORST Christmas gifts that students received this Christmas. 

#1 - The Skibidi Toilet

Ladies and gentlemen, the “skibidi toilet.” This is actually the worst gift in the history of mankind. No one wants the Grinch popping out of the toilet bowl, ready to spoil the holiday season. Also, gifting a skibidi toilet turns the gift acceptor into the cringiest person to ever exist. You’ll start acting like a Stuyvesant freshman! You will drift into the “skibidi” meme and get made fun of by normal people, and not even realize how cringe you are because of how the meme will infect your brain. Picture this: you’re at a college interview and the interviewer asks you about possible business ventures that you started as an elementary school student. Your response: My favorite business was on top of the skibidi toilet!

#2 - Cafeteria Carrots

The second worst gift is carrots. We have observed the devastating effects of the cafeteria baby carrots on our student body, only worsened by the accompanying exploding pouch of dehydrated ranch. Sophomore Papa John told us that the vegetables made a mess around his Christmas tree, which “looked like a Greek salad after my parents gifted me all those carrots. Maybe I can make someone make a mess around the Christmas tree with those chemicals that the NYC DOE calls health food.” 

#3 - An AP Test Prep Book

The third worst gift is an AP Exam test prep book. Of course, one should start reviewing past units sooner rather than later, but that is not the Stuyvesant way. Why waste time studying beforehand for a test that isn’t happening yet? Just study the night before so that all the information is fresh in your head! That’s why it would be really depressing for a Stuy student to receive a book like this (except I did, and I’m leaving it on the farthest corner of my desk so that the information in the book ages like fine wine that I will consume come May). 

#4 - A Frame

When freshmen take Art Appreciation, they go through lots of artistic development. Let’s not forget those stick figures as Michelangelo’s David in the last minute Met projects. No one feels proud of it, so why give someone a frame? It is most certainly a pity gift for almost failing the class. 

#5 - The Roller Backpack

The last worst Christmas gift of all time is the roller backpack. Freshman Isaac Newton, who had received this gift, told us, “Like gravity, I had all of the rizz and power of attraction existing on planet Earth. Now that I gotta use this roller pack, I am repulsive.” So many freshmen are misled into thinking that they are cool with this type of bookbag (which is one of my all time favorite trolls for freshmen right now). Isaac got the High Sierra Powerglide Pro Wheeled Backpack and his chances with girls have never been worse. 

As you can see, there has been absolutely disastrous Christmas gifting this holiday season. We hope that with the detailed descriptions of the Humor department of the Stuyvesant Spectator, we can influence parents who read this newspaper regularly to give their children better gifts next Christmas that will bring them success in all facets of their lives.