How to Shrink Your Backpack 101

Picture this: it’s 7:59:59 a.m. and you have class in precisely one second. You wish your limbs would have enough momentum to propel you up five flights of stairs for you to be able to give your Spanish presentation on time, but you’re carrying so many notebooks that you can’t possibly make it. However, if your backpack was just 30 pounds lighter, I can assure you that this trek would take no time at all. As a second-term senior, I have nothing but a roll of paper towels and a top hat in my backpack; I bet you wish you could live this life too, so I’ll tell you how.

First, you’re going to need to take inventory of everything in your bag. If you see any pencils, pens, or erasers, get rid of them immediately. The key to having light backpacks is to only carry what others don’t. Obviously, every other person who hasn’t read this article will have writing instruments, and if you ask to borrow them enough times, you’ll lose the weight of every friendship you have as well!

Next, you need to stop thinking that you need notebooks. You may have thought that a five-subject notebook was helping you save space, but that’s just plain wrong. There are so many YouTube videos on how to train yourself to have an eidetic memory, so watch those before you think to “copy the board.” Notebooks are truly a thing of the past, so hike up your sleeves and get to brain twisting.

Okay, this next one might not seem so obvious at first, but bear with me: you’re going to need to stop using a backpack. It sounds a little out of the box, but just listen. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Darth Vader, and Luke Skywalker all do fine without backpacks, and you know why that is? That’s right, they have someone else carrying their things for them. Sorry, I mean, they use the Force! This force, surrounding all objects, helps you continuously suspend all your belongings in thin air while you traverse the Hudson staircase. You might get a couple of weird looks, but people will eventually get used to your advanced ways.

You’re going to want to do one last thing here. If you simply stop going to school, you’ll also free yourself from the weight of all your responsibilities at this time. “But, Krista, that’s crazy! I can’t just stop going to school!” To this I say, who’s going to stop you? Your backpack sure won’t.

And that, my friends, is how you get to class early. Your back will feel so relieved, you might even grow those couple feet you’ve stunted yourself from after all those years of carrying the equivalent weight of another you. I'll accept my thanks for getting you to class early this time. Safe travels, my friends.