PSAT

Dear Stuyvesant,

We embarked on the most important journey of our young lives, taking the PSAT, on October 10, 2018. A joke of a test that only try-hards care about, the PSAT is hailed by many as the biggest waste of time since P.E. and Lunch with Aristotle.

Understandably, after wasting approximately four hours of their lives that they could have spent procrastinating instead, students were not happy. Instead of going home like EVERYBODY ELSE, there was “class,” which left many annoyed, to say the least. Willy Wonka walked around his chocolate factory later that day, saying, “Why did they make us stay after the test? I just want to go home and play Fortnite in my elevator.” Classes were over before students could decide whether or not to cut, a decision they were forced to make in the 22 seconds they had between periods.

Freshmen could be seen rapidly sprinting in packs to their classes with their rolly backpacks tagging along. As is the case with all running students, they were chased down by Baird Johnson, who likes to assert his dominance on anyone who runs at Stuyvesant. Many students had even started their own public transportation system, the MTA (Metrosexual Trip of Anxiety), to navigate the school in time to get to their classes and get back out before the teachers had time to complain about the valuable teaching time they were losing. Dr. Ned grumbled for the entire period about losing these “precious moments,” even though we all knew she was going to talk about anything but genetics until the last five minutes of class. Dr. Berman used this time to talk about the gay neighborhood in California that he grew up in before holding his students for the entire 30 seconds they had to get to their next class to tell them he had been asked out by many a gay man, only to turn them down in favor of women.

Just a few hours later, the reason we had taken the PSAT in the first place was apparent. The internet was scoured for memes that only test-takers could relate to, ranging from Patrick’s parents saying they don’t have a son after he says “Thank You” to them to grandma-cousin incest. The biggest meme, however, was the College Board (surprise, surprise!), which, in an attempt to stop students from sharing PSAT info through memes, made memes to warn them. Much like Shrek, they are not the sharpest tools in the shed. Much to the chagrin of students, the College Board did more than just make memes. Many students received e-mails about canceled scores after the College Board recruited sophomore Abir Taheer to reroute the IP addresses of those who posted PSAT memes on Facebook. Taheer was later beheaded during the Reign of Terror so that he wouldn’t be a problem anymore. It is safe to say that PSAT memes will be a byproduct of the test despite the College Board’s best efforts.

Thank You, uh, I mean Signing off (sorry, Mom),

Bottlenose Dolphin whistles 1 and 2