Putting Christ Back Into Halloween

It’s that time of the year again! We’re fastly approaching Halloween: the kids are wasting their hard-earned life savings of $6.53 on plastic vampire fangs which will give them lead poisoning, pumpkins are appearing in supermarkets, it’s starting to smell like fall, and Satan and his henchmen are preparing to devour the souls of all sinners who follow the pagan custom of “tricky treating.” You might be shocked at that last one because, on the surface, Halloween seems like a lordly holiday with good intentions. However, when you look a little deeper, most parts of the Halloween tradition can be traced back to sinful pagan origins.

For one, candy is sinful and should always be avoided at all costs by conscientious Christians. It’s a little-known fact that sugar is imbued with the spirit of Lucifer himself, and any child who consumes it will become possessed by Mephistopheles. In particular, Snickers candy bars are full of evil spirits that will jump into the innocent child who eats them. Research by Christian Science Today shows that there are approximately 2.3 evil spirits per gram of chocolate in a Snickers bar, which is further proof that the food industry has fallen to the devil. These new- fangled, needle-waving health-doctors also have an outlandish theory about “obesity,” but the real reason to keep your children away from candy at all costs is to stop them from being indoctrinated into occult practices, like human sacrifice or eating meat on Fridays.

We asked Joseph Redbone, a self-described hip youth pastor, what he thought about candy and its effects on Christian children, and he was unequivocal: “Not rad, dude. All this, like, chocolate, is full of ghosts that people are unaware of, bro, separating us from Jesus. Also, if you say the Korean word for candy in an obnoxious American accent, it sounds like Satan. Amen, y’know? Praise the Lord. We should all avoid Halloween and have a rad prayer circle with Jesus-themed EDM instead.”

We at The Spectator believe that you should give out Biblical verses printed on pictures of saints to try and help all the wicked children out tricky treating repent to their grievous sins.

Along with the candy itself, tricky treating as a concept is wholly unlordly. One should not ask one’s neighbors for anything, but rather ask the Lord for assistance in trying times, so asking everyone around you for a satanic drug like sugar is a surefire way to end up in H-E-double hockey sticks. Other aspects of Halloween are deeply occult as well; for example, a Ms. Mary Lou Jenkins reached out to us asking for an interview and shed some insight on the issue of pumpkins. Ms. Jenkins, who spends her spare time throwing stones at children from the window of her first-floor apartment and engaging in staring contests with her seven cats, stated, “Pumpkins are the devil’s favorite vegetable. He came to me in a dream once and told me so. Praise the Lord! He eats them in pies, in salads, in anything he can, really. If you touch a pumpkin, he’ll eat your soul and you won’t even notice. Amen.” We did some independent research to back up her claims, and though Lucifer declined to comment, we felt very possessed after touching pumpkins. For this reason, it is imperative that you avoid pumpkins this Halloween and focus on more holy orange fruits, like clementines or nectarines.

Though it is an evil, pagan holiday, your children will probably want to participate in all the “fun” that the other devil-worshipping children seem to be having. As such, we’ve compiled a list of ways that your children can have a holy blast this October without the occult influences of Halloween. For one, we Christians should rename the holiday altogether to make it a better influence on our poor children. Some suggested names include: “Jesus’ Fall Fun,” “Church Autumn Bash,” “Harvest Fair of the Lord,” and “Merry Autumnal Feast in Honor of Christ, the Lord Master, Logos, Son of God, Son of Man, Son of David, Lamb of God.” To replace the sinful costumes, we love dressing up in nativity outfits on Halloween and going door to door demanding that residents repent rather than ask for candy. Finally, if your children want to give out candy, tell them that it’s a sin and urge them to find a more lordly alternative, like throwing communion wafers at heretics or aggressively reading the Bible to people in costumes.

I hope this article opened all of your eyes to the evil that is Halloween ad that you will avoid it or join us in celebrating the Merry Autumnal Feast in honor of Christ, the Lord Master, Logos, Son of God, Son of Man, Son of David, Lamb of God instead. Please remember to avoid sugar, and as the children say, “Happy ‘Spooktober.’”