Sample Letter of Continued Interest to Get You off the Harvard Waitlist

Dear Ivy League,

I would like to start off by saying thank you so much for a spot on your waitlist for literally all eight of you—it’s almost like you guys copy-and-pasted your responses and changed the name of your schools, so I’m going to do the same thing! Props to Brown, however, for being extra quirky and misspelling my name as “Unfortunately.” It is truly an honor to be considered for the privilege of giving you money that I don’t have. It reminds me of that time some of you were bamboozled by students with awards for sports that they don’t play, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, as I await a second judgment day, I’d like to update you on all the awards I have received, among other things I have accomplished, within the mere three months since submitting my application.

To start, I’d like to mention that I have improved my SAT score to a 1590 and that that was not only the result of pure intellect but also the hard work and dedication from scouring the College Board website for schools in red states that have no COVID lockdown procedures. Despite all of you going test-optional this year, we both know that numbers mean a great deal in validating your worth. I mean, why else is the one with the highest acceptance rate the one you all laugh at? No offense CornL, I adore you just the same. Furthermore, I have risked my health just for this, and if I get sick, I will simply sue the College Board and use that money to buy you a new library. That would help, right?

Some of my other achievements include:

Not referring to the pandemic as panoramic, parallelogram, Panda Express, etc.

Maintaining a 97.5 semester GPA after CR-ing less than half of my classes

National Merit Award for playing the college admissions game

First place in national RedBull chugging competition

Briefly ran for NYC mayor (and generously decided to give my large fanbase to the #yanggang because I don’t know the other candidates)

Published an article in a well-respected newspaper, The Spectator

Have not checked Naviance in two weeks!

Notice the bullet points? I’m so respectful of your time that I’ve limited myself to the amount of space given for some of your supplements because I know you guys don’t like reading—if you did, you would have already admitted me, but, alas, I must appeal to my audience.

Finally, I have remained as the most positive member of my community, even after dropping all responsibilities as a second-term senior. (I’m totally being vulnerable and admitting my faults right now. As you can see, I’m quite self-aware and sophisticated.) In Zoom classes, I am always raising my blue hand and am the first one to unmute myself in breakout rooms. Yes, it may be because I was sleeping on my laptop keyboard and accidentally clicked the buttons, but this provides comedic relief in these trying times and gives teachers an excuse to lecture someone, which I’m sure many of them miss. It’s the thought that counts!

If offered admission to any one of the eight of you, I will automatically accept the invitation and matriculate to your class of 2025. By some miracle, if more than one of you has become literate in the last three months and accept me, don’t worry! I’ll just save that acceptance letter for graduate school, and if there are more than two of you I’ll just save the third one for law school. Or med school. Or for whatever else comes after undergrad because I’m simply delaying being an adult member of society. And if none of you accept me, well, my next letter to your admissions office may not be as nice.

XOXO,

Yet Another Stuy Kid