Santa Claus is NOT Coming to Town This Year

Santa Claus is tired. After years of making and delivering gifts to ungrateful little brats, he has finally decided that he needs a permanent hiatus. Luckily, as Santa has gotten older over time, the world has advanced. Now, he doesn’t have to deliver all of the presents this year, or any year in the future! Simply put, Santa Claus is tragically retiring, a move that will undoubtedly change Christmas forever.

In an interview with the panelists of “The View,” Santa expressed his desire for a more relaxing lifestyle, and he was confident that he would have an appropriate successor. He tearfully said, “With all of the surgeries, including my hip surgery last year that I got from falling off my sleigh, and having to climb down countless chimneys every year, it’s time to relax for the rest of my life. I am beginning to get dementia, and I cannot remember who is on the naughty or the nice list anymore! My elves and I are exhausted, and Rudolph’s nose is now EVEN redder because of an infection. I will miss all of the Christmas cheer, but we are in good hands. Christmas will still be magical, just more automated. I’ll still be involved, just more behind the scenes; I’m working from home now.”

Santa is soon to be replaced with an AI “SantaBot,” a more modern version of Santa Claus. SantaBot has a few key differences from Santa Claus. Firstly, SantaBot doesn’t enjoy milk and cookies; instead, it prefers celery sticks and Ozempic. People were rightfully concerned that Santa Claus was dealing with obesity after eating too many cookies, putting him at risk for heart disease. SantaBot is not going to make the same mistakes. It’s time for SantaBot to achieve its fitness goals and be its healthiest self! SantaBot also doesn’t wear Santa Claus’s signature red color, instead preferring a full rainbow to support members of the LGBTQIA+ community. How accepting and Christmas-y! Unlike Santa Claus, who CLEARLY wore red because he was a Trump supporter and a communist (which are basically the same thing these days), SantaBot supports those regardless of sexuality or gender expression! Lastly, SantaBot will not be riding a sleigh with overworked reindeer. Instead, SantaBot will be driving a flying Tesla, generated by the power of AI! It’s environmentally friendly and protects reindeer, an endangered species. How jolly!

Some children were concerned with this, however, not believing that there could be a Christmas without Santa Claus. A sophomore at Stuyvesant High School, Lilith Birdler does not approve of the new changes. According to her, “AI is automating everything these days. Santa Claus is irreplaceable, and SantaBot seems to be the exact opposite of Santa Claus. This year, I’m boycotting Christmas! I don’t want a robot delivering my presents!”

Contrastingly, America Freeman, a junior at the Bronx High School of Science, has a different opinion. “I’ve known that I’m a really patriotic person since birth, but even so, I’m not going to miss Santa Claus very much. Santa Claus was misogynistic and had old values that didn’t fly in this era. He was also clearly a pedophile, as he was famous for ‘seeing kids when they’re sleeping’ and ‘knowing when they’re awake.’ I bet that the real reason Santa Claus is retiring is that he’s in the Epstein files and doesn’t want to get exposed! SantaBot seems to represent me as a person much better than Santa Claus ever could, because SantaBot is kind, woke, and gets the answers to everything off the internet. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to my equal rights protest on why robots are better than people.” How refreshing it is to hear two very different opinions from such bright, young individuals!

Consequently, SantaBot is now being cancelled for keeping Santa Claus’s signature “propaganda” phrase of “Ho ho ho,” which has led to SantaBot receiving allegations of “slut-shaming.” America Freeman soon realized that she supports women’s rights much more than robots’ rights, and recently she’s been leading protests to “get clankers out of women’s spaces.” Even so, without Santa Claus and his outdated views, this Christmas will undoubtedly represent the world much more, and it will still be a Merry Christmas this year.