Santa Goes on Strike

Santa Claus publicly announced on December 1, 2023, that he would be going on strike this holiday season. “Christmas just isn’t the same as it used to be,” Claus said in an interview with The North Pole Post. “Do you know how many iPads I had to make last year? Too many, I’ll tell you that. And I can’t even put kids on the Naughty List anymore because their parents always threaten to sue me. It just feels like people don’t respect me anymore.” He then proceeded to advertise his new album, Deck the Halls.

There has been speculation over the real reason for Santa’s strike. Many have attributed his sudden decline in jolliness to the fact that he is simply too old. They’ve suggested that it’s time for someone more youthful to become the  face of Christmas, with Mariah Carey as the top contender. There are also rumors that Santa can't deliver presents this year because he’s busy making his acting debut in the new Hallmark Channel movie, I Fell in Love with Kris Kringle. Though there is no concrete evidence, it is widely believed that he’s been throwing himself into his Hollywood pursuits to distract himself from a devastating, messy divorce with Mrs. Claus.

Either way, the news triggered widespread panic and despair among people of all ages. “My four-year-old son has been waiting all year for a Lego Batmobile,” an anonymous civilian stated. “If he doesn’t get one on Christmas, very bad things will happen.” It was abundantly clear that if Santa wasn’t delivering toys this year, someone else needed to do the job. Would Christmas really be Christmas if there was no material gain? 

But the question remained: who could possibly take on such a daunting task? Certainly not Mrs. Claus, considering the aforementioned divorce rumors. Thankfully, Santa’s loyal elves, known to have even more Christmas spirit than Saint Nick himself, stepped up to the plate (of cookies). Knowing the fate of the holiday season rested in their tiny hands, the elves tripled their toy production rate and banded together to deliver the presents, saving the hopes and dreams of millions of children (and sparing parents from the temper tantrums that might have ensued).

However, there were understandably a few hiccups along the way. For starters, the elves had trouble gaining control of the reindeer, who proved to be quite violent around anyone who wasn’t Santa. After several hours of coaxing (Comet eventually took pity on the elves, who at this point were severely bruised), the sleigh was finally up and running! Of course, the reindeer—being their passive-aggressive selves—did not provide for smooth sailing. There were several reports of oddly dressed, pointy-eared creatures falling from the sky on Christmas Eve. On occasion, a fallen elf could be heard muttering “son of a nutcracker” under their breath before deploying a comically large parachute.

The toy-delivery process also took significantly longer than usual, with some children not receiving presents until December 27 (they received compensation in the form of peppermints). What likely accounted for this delay was that many of the elves, being excited to venture outside of the North Pole for the first time, stopped at tourist attractions along their delivery route. One elf posted a picture of herself “holding up” the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and several were spotted watching Wicked on Broadway. One Starbucks employee reported, “They’re not very good at being discreet. I’m like 99 percent sure I served a peppermint mocha to two elves in a trench coat last week. Still, I’m glad they had fun.”

All things considered, this holiday season was a roaring success; the elves managed to pick up Santa’s slack and deliver the sack full of presents to joyous children around the world. Sure, most of the toys were a little damaged by the bumpy sleigh ride, but the elves tried their best, and that’s what counts. In fact, it’s quite possible that the elves will take over Christmas permanently, as they displayed a level of enthusiasm that Santa hasn’t shown in years. Still, we wish the best for our jolly old friend as he continues his acting and music career. We also hope Mrs. Claus is doing alright.