The Nightmares Before Christmas

“Dear Stuyvesant students,

It’s that time of year again to infuse Stuyvesant with holiday spirit! This year, Santa’s come by with a brand new laundry list of school modifications that will provide great entertainment for me, at the cost of you. What can I say? You have all been very naughty children this year. Let the fun begin!

Have a Festive Friday, Stuy!

~ Principal Seung Yu”

Starting early in the morning of December 0, 2023, murmurs were going around about the e-mail that had just been sent. It was so unlike Principal Yu; no one had any idea what to expect from this. Students entered the building fearing for the worst, but they were instead greeted by confetti cannons and all the scanners playing “A Holly Jolly Christmas.” The security guards told them that starting that day, they’d be welcomed into the building with confetti and a new Christmas song every day until Christmas. The students breathed a sigh of relief and slowly started making their way into the building while enjoying the music.

The next surprise came when a freshman opened their 11th-floor locker. Instead of finding their usual pile of unwashed gym clothes, they found candy pouring out of their locker. Devouring the candy on the floor in elation, the freshman was completely oblivious to the two janitors sneaking up behind them. The janitors grabbed them by each arm and dragged them toward a supply closet saying, “Sorry kid, but Principal Yu instructed us to drag any student making a mess to the supply closet and to pelt them with coal and carrots until they learn their lesson.”

Unfortunately, the freshman was not the only one whose locker was loaded with candy. Everywhere in the school, assortments of Milky Ways, Twix, Kit Kats, leftover candy corn from Halloween, and oversized candy canes poured out of students’ lockers as Principal Yu watched with maniacal delight from his office camera. One by one, kids were dragged away into a closet for their “well-deserved” punishment. The hallways became crowded with candy, but funnily enough, all the janitors were mysteriously “occupied” and unable to clean it up. The few survivors clambered through the halls as first period was about to start, tripping over the candy.

Students thought they were safe in class, but they were deeply mistaken, as teachers demanded their pupils to line up and give them presents. Anyone who refused or was unable to do so would be thrown into the Hudson River for some “real Swim Gym” taught by the fishy fishies!

The worst surprise of all came at lunchtime. Students were horrified when they were given “limited time” red-and-green burgers (scientifically proven to cause three types of cancer, two painful blisters, and a giant bruise on the forehead), along with glowing ketchup that was definitely not radioactive and would NOT give them mysterious diseases in 30 years. Some students tried to escape by going outside to eat, but their plans were rapidly foiled by the locked doors and scanner ladies confiscating any children caught trying to leave. Piles of children were soon found crying at the scanners after the scanner ladies confiscated their friends to be exchanged with elves, who would bring the scanner ladies much more cheer than the children. 

Not even gym class was safe from the wrath of Christmas. All gym classes had a newly required P.E. uniform that involved dressing up as a Christmas tree, complete with tinsel and Christmas lights. Basketballs and volleyballs were replaced with giant ornaments that would shatter whenever they hit anything! Students in Yoga were instructed to do the tree pose and hold a star above their heads as teachers had a competition decorating the “trees,” but this activity was discontinued after several students reported “almost getting strangled by teachers trying to string Christmas lights around their neck.” Students in Swim Gym were forced to swim through milk with bits of cookies, all while wearing painfully bright and embarrassing swim outfits (with lights attached!). As for where the milk and cookies came from, no one knows for sure, but some sources say that Principal Yu has been stockpiling the sweets ever since he got to Stuy to help him cope with the angry parent e-mails that he gets on a daily basis.

At the end of the day, many students still tried to attend club activities. However, all clubs had been banned and the only afterschool activity was a student-wrapping competition for teachers. This was the last straw for many students, and a horde of students walked toward Principal Yu’s office to protest. But when they got there, he was nowhere to be seen. All that was left behind was a sign stating “Gone for Winter Break—Never Coming Back!”