The Perfect Christmas Wishlist

The holiday season has come around yet again, and this time around you’re trying to get a gift other than a test prep book. However, your parents probably told you that this year, they’re only getting you things that you really need. But instead of asking for things you think you need, like socks or a new calculator, or things that you definitely need, like deodorant (you know who you are), try asking for some things that I think you need—all of which I will be describing to you shortly. 

Oh, and in case you don’t get one of these things (a true disaster, because like I said, you will need all of these, especially item number two), I have provided alternatives to each of these gifts that are far easier to attain, but less effective than the real thing. Wow, am I not a Christmas miracle? Without further ado, here are the items I recommend putting on your wishlist this year! 

A Significant Other

You definitely need this one, mostly so you can stop annoying your friends with your constant delusions about your English class crush. “They flipped to page 104 in the book we were reading, and my cat-sitter’s stepmother’s uncle’s birthday is 10/4, so it must be a sign, right?” Hopefully, Santa will notice symptoms of extreme delusion like this and will pity you enough to pull a few strings and get you a date. But, in the very probable case that Santa decides it’d be too cruel to make someone go out with you, you’ll just have to live vicariously through Taylor Swift’s songs until next Christmas!

The Ability to Polish a Bald Head and Use It as a Mirror

We all know why you want this one: some mirrors are just wildly unflattering, and the unique curvature of a bald head makes for an incredible visual warp that always makes your jawline look better. Unfortunately, parents tend to be concerned if you ask for this year after year (I know mine are). Plus, some people just don’t quite understand how honorable it is to have one’s head polished for such a purpose, and therefore may begin resisting after the second polish coat. So, as much as we know you want this gift, you may have to go for a less desirable alternative: polishing Principal Yu’s head into a shiny mirror instead! Sure, his head doesn’t really have that natural sheen, but he’s definitely getting there, and having people staring at his head all day would be excellent for his self-esteem!

Good Cafeteria Food 

When it comes to school cafeteria food, we generally assume that they take some of the food out of the plastic wrapping before heating it up so that it doesn’t develop a film that bears an uncanny resemblance to a cell membrane on top of the food. Unfortunately, that is not the case, which is why this would be the gift that keeps on giving. Apparently, even our lunch food needs an outer membrane to facilitate osmosis through the pizza slices. However, we all know that the only good parts of school lunch are the little crispy parts on the fries that are so burnt that all of that membrane-flavored goodness is indiscernible. So, if Santa isn’t generous enough to save you from the horrors of school lunch, simply make a special request for all of your school lunch food to be burnt to a crisp! Bonus points if the resulting charcoal can be used as a drawing medium in Art Appreciation!

A Safety School Rejection Letter

Hear me out on this one! Look, chances are you’ve done some… well, interesting things this year that may have led to quite a guilty conscience. What’s the best way to get rid of a guilty conscience? You guessed it: punish yourself to compensate! Of course, there’s no better way to punish yourself than to see the looks on your parents’ faces when they read your rejection letter and decide they need a new favorite child…

Sleep

Ha. Ha. HAHAHAHA.

So there you have it—the perfect Christmas wishlist! As an added note, The Spectator is not responsible for any potential expulsion that may result from attempting to polish the school principal’s head as suggested in item number two. In case you were wondering, your unwavering dedication to finding a mirror, even if it means polishing someone’s head with zeal, is not considered an extracurricular commitment, and therefore should not go on your college resume. Moreover, your parents should not hunt me down if you decide to go through with it. With that, have an excellent holiday season!