The things i do to pay for my $270 senior prom ticket

“Why did you bring a horse as your prom date?”

Gasps and mutters filled the room as I pulled up to my assigned Cipriani table with my date in a wagon.

“Nobody believed me when I said my boyfriend was from another school,” I said indignantly. “He's glorious, isn’t he? My 5’9” meaty hunk!” I affectionately bonked my horse on the booty.

“Is it… real?” The DJ had stopped the music to come over and gawk at my date. Indeed, my horse remained motionless as if it were not an actual horse and did have nuts and bolts in its side as if it were not an actual horse.

“Yes, it is an actual horse, please stop asking questions,” I said.

“How did you two meet?” Principal Seung Yu asked curiously, trying to mount my horse.

“We had a Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings/Slow Burn/Temporarily Unrequited Love/Angst with a Happy Ending-type of story,” I said, tickling Principal Yu. He yelped and sprang off. I smooched my horse on the snout. “Oh hey there, Scarlett Johansson!”

“Hey pretty girl,” Scarlett Johansson said, clomping over to me in her gorgeous high heels, gorgeously flipping her hair over her shoulder.

“What’s up?”

“Just wanted to party and relax after all that legal trouble recently,” Scarlett said gorgeously, stretching. Her delicious strawberry shampoo wafted through the air. My horse began trembling.

“Excuse me, I need to use the bathroom, I have severe constipation.” I wheeled my wagon horse inside along with me, peeking over my shoulder to see if anyone was following us or was nearby. From a quick scan, the bathroom seemed empty.

“Was that enough for you?” I whispered.

“NO!” screamed the horse.

A latch popped open on the horse’s backside. Sam Altman clawed his way out the buttcrack.

“That was barely anything!” he screamed. “She said two sentences! You had Scarlett Johansson right there and you didn’t stick around to listen to that gorgeous voice say more than TWO SENTENCES!”

“Sam, you are an ungrateful loser weirdo. I had to make everyone think I was into a horse to smuggle you in here.”

Sam harrumphed.

“My reputation is ruined!” I bemoaned. “All because of YOU! Look, we got the voice sample. Just give me the $270 we agreed upon. The prom ticket was my entire bank account. Can I ditch the wagon horse now?”

“IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT THE VOICE SAMPLE!” Sam shrieked.

I shrieked back.

“It’s about love,” he whimpered quietly. “I love her.”

“You pathetic fool.”

Something rustled above us. Sam and I looked up and froze. Stormy Daniels was duct taped spread-eagled on the ceiling and was gawking at us.

“I do not know why I am up here either,” she said.

We all stared at each other without doing anything for a whole minute until Sam wordlessly took out a million dollars and offered it to her.

“Hush,” he whispered.

Stormy nodded solemnly.