The Ultimate ‘Why Us?’ College Essay

In the hyper-specific words of John F. Kennedy, “The reasons that I have for wishing to go to Fartvard are several,” and it “is a university with something definite to offer.” Fartvard’s mission of taking $90k a year from families aligns perfectly with my values of paying $90k a year and being a Communications major, thereby fostering my passion for being destitute. 

Additionally, Fartvard’s campus is appealing to me due to my inherent fondness for barren wastelands and dream-sapping cinder blocks. I’ve always wanted to live in an overpriced jail cell with a complementary hallway urinal, with like-minded individuals who also want to torture themselves. Our common sweaty mattresses will really bring us together in trying times. Speaking of trying times, I know that Fartvard students are hopeless when it comes to finding work opportunities! I’d love to complete an internship at a local institution, and I love how the only two options are the local dump and Google. I hope I get the dump house because I loveee taking—nvm.

Furthermore, as a globally-inspired learner, I’m very interested in studying abroad with Fartvard. I would love to participate in your community-building program in Antarctica. I haven’t spoken to any pieces of ice since my mom took me to that doctor to get me to stop talking to inanimate objects. They weaned me off the desks and tables, but I still occasionally find myself whispering sweet nothings to my chair. This all connects back to my excellent communication skills, which Fartvard would benefit enormously from. 

 I would also take advantage of Fartvard’s wide range of research opportunities, especially in the field of Tarot card reading. My last set of cards told me I’m not graduating high school, but I won’t let that sway me and neither should you! You should know that, as an Aries, I will fight to graduate (not physically… not on record, at least). Also, can you please return my emails about what the school’s astrology sign is? I need to know if we’re compatible. 

If we are indeed compatible, as I believe us to be, Fartvard is the best institution for me to grow as an individual while expanding on my foundation of student debt and therapy bills. Scamford and Skidmark already rejected me, so I just want the love and validation my daddy never gave me… I mean, was it so hard to buy me that pair of light-up Sketchers?! “I have light sensitivity issues” my a**. Was it really that hard to just keep your eyes closed until I grew out of them? You really couldn’t just—oh, I’m running over with my word count. With my remaining words, one final thought: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEE?!?!?!?!