Villainous Valentine Vendettas: What REALLY Happens to the Gifts That Never Make it to Your Homerooms

Ah, February 14. The rosiest, most love-filled day of the year. Who doesn’t love the corny posters everywhere (“Don’t Play Heart to Get!”)? And who doesn’t adore that one couple who just has to make out in the middle of the hall when you’re running late to class? Nevertheless, amongst these joys, the greatest one at Stuy is the nervous anticipation as you wait for your homeroom teacher to read your name from a colorful bouquet.

But sometimes, your name is not read. No one has sent you anything! You think to yourself, I can’t be hearing that right! What about your loyal friends?! Or your weird friends who always sent you the weirdest messages? You’d even accept a “Will you be the skibidi to my toilet?” But, upon conversing with friends and fans, you realize that they actually did send you stuff… it just never got delivered. And you’re not the only one; students are flabbergasted, shocked, and outraged. Their cries course throughout the school when homeroom lets out. Carnage. 

You must be wondering where all of the elaborate flower creations, succulent sweet treats, promises, and tokens of love went. Well, after weeks of research, we’ve finally found the missing masterpieces, gone gifts, and not-present presents! Turns out, they’re all around us.

1. One Man’s Trash, Another Rat’s Meal

The first answer lies in a place that you’ve never thought of before… the trenches of Stuy. Unbeknownst to us all, the Indicator has formed an unholy alliance with the rats of Stuyvesant High School, throwing out our flowers as food for them in exchange for their services frightening freshmen and attacking the seniors who didn’t order the yearbook. Infamously known as the Tribeca Dumpster Divas, these rodent hooligans from the school can be seen diving in the trash bins, ravenously clawing at the Valentine’s Day treats stolen from us. After all, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure… or in this case, another rat’s meal.

1. Stuy Open House: Bribery at Its Most Studious

All over the school, carts overflowing with Hershey’s Kisses roll to the expectant homerooms. In the meantime, members of the administration don their pajama pants and Stuy hoodies to blend in with the crowd and snatch little bags of treats right off the carts! But don’t worry—you have a chance of seeing those caloric tokens of affection again next year at Stuy’s annual open house, because that’s what admin is saving them up for! Don’t you remember when you attended? Rows of Big Sibs clapped upon your entrance, and just beyond them were rows of teachers with months-old Hershey’s Kisses. You could hear them offering the candy as you walked by.

“Hey kid, want some candy? Come to the great Stuyvesant High School, and you’ll see there’s more where that came from!”

“Do you want this Hershey Kiss? Come see our gym on the 6th floor, it’s filled with them!”

“Join the Spectator: come here, and you’ll get a lifetime supply of these!”

Hey, that last one is how we got to be in Spec Humor! Does that mean we’re victims? Anyway…

1. The Staff Busts It Down… Moran Style

The final and possibly most shocking discovery we at the Humor department have made is, to no one’s surprise, concerning Mr. Moran. During midnight on a cold winter day, a trusted Spectator stalker investigator spotted Moran, noggin glinting in the light. Now, upon further research, we’ve concluded that for bald kings, it’s a daily struggle—-Moran had no choice but to seek the warmth of lost love, even at the cost of crudely robbing it from us…

That concludes this completely real and true list of things that happened to our overpriced symbols of love that fine day in February. Take faith in knowing that most high school relationships don’t last anyways, and maybe the real Valentine’s crime was the money we lost along the way.