Welcome To Stuyvesant: A Survival Guide for Students

As you may have heard, the risks of attending Stuyvesant High School have never been higher. Recently, there have been numerous security reports of belongings left unattended in the library for only a few moments being taken by the mysterious sixth-floor bandits. Even more tragically, the security office has reported that students who’ve failed tests have suddenly turned up dead, with messages proclaiming that “they shall plague our average test scores no longer” written on and around their bodies. These are just two examples reported by the security office about the huge crime wave our school is currently facing.

None of us here at Spec Humor (or any of our highly-placed, totally real sources) have personally witnessed these crimes, but the security office has been incredibly thorough in documenting every dangerous event to occur at Stuyvesant, allowing us to observe a clear upward trend of chaos and disorder. This pattern began around the same time as the widely publicized School Security Guard union negotiations with the DOE, but these events surely have no relation to each other. 

To notify freshmen of these never-before-seen dangers and provide them with measures to ensure their safety, the school's security office has created a Stuyvesant survival guide, which we took the liberty of summarizing in four vital steps. 

1. Leave Nothing Alone on the Sixth or Second Floors

By analyzing school burglary cases reported by the security office and utilizing our proprietary statistical analysis techniques (namely throwing darts at a list of incidents stapled outside the school security office), Spec Humor has found that the majority of crimes unfold on these two floors. This is because people abandon their bags more frequently there, as they are distracted by whatever one-sided friendship they have attained while desperately cramming for tests in the library or socializing near the printers. 

2. If You Feel You Did Poorly on a Test, Leave School Immediately and Lay Low for a While

The rampant test score-based hate crimes that have been occurring can only be prevented by making a speedy escape after failing an exam—be it the lowliest quiz or the class final, the bandits have no mercy. Even after escaping the school at promptly 3:35 p.m., you are not safe… continue monitoring those around you during your commute home, and stay in your bedroom for at least a week to be in the clear. Stay alert for the murderers at home: Mom and Dad. You might want to hide your Jupiter.

3. Avoid Chambers Street Station

The huge cluster of students that move through Chambers Street station every day provides the perfect opportunity for theft and other vile crimes. Fifteen students had bags containing high-value items stolen on October 18; the security office reported that multiple fights broke out throughout the station on October 21. Please exercise extreme caution if you do choose to take your chances with the red line.

4. Remain Indoors During Your Free Periods and Especially for Lunch

This is perhaps the most important piece of advice in regard to staying safe in Stuyvesant. According to the security office’s reports, the most common new crime is the poisoning of food at Stuyvesant students’ favorite lunch spots. While it’s very difficult for us to personally confirm (since instances of this occur outside of school grounds), and our own members who have obtained external lunch have been safe, the security office claims that it is an astonishingly common issue. We must assume that we have simply been incredibly lucky. Though the cafeteria food is undeniably harmful, the risk of death from consumption is a mere four percent compared to Ferry’s 30!

If you follow these four tips you should be capable of surviving Stuyvesant’s recent uptick in crime. Hopefully, the security office successfully deals with this increase in violence and thievery soon so these precautions are no longer necessary (though as mentioned earlier, they might remain slightly distracted by their union’s ongoing contract negotiations).