What Lies Between the Cracks: An Investigation of the Pooping Perp

TRIBECA, NEW YORK CITY—On Wednesday, December 3, what can only be described as a pile of feces was left on the staircase of the Chambers Street subway station—attack number two in a series of droppings by the much-sought-after pooping perp, legally known as Mr. E. Cheeks.

Law enforcement made it to the scene at poo thirty-five, just two minutes after the Number 2  NYC poopatrator’s swift escape. Eyewitnesses claim that the poopatrator escaped through the rear exit, narrowly missing the train to Flushing-Main Street. 

Law enforcement has come under fire for its delayed response. To respond to the constipation, city officials held a conference on the following day. “Let’s keep this brief. It is my duty to keep all of our constituents safe and handle this in a civilized manure, which is why we are putting a Bounty on the pooping perp and getting to the bottom of this before they run. We aass—I mean, ask all citizens to keep an eye out. There’s no room for rest!” the local Police Chafe Ty T. Whitey urged in a speech delivered on Thursday.

“If you ask me, this issue should be wiped from existence! If only there were a suitable solution…,” Charmin complained. When asked for an interview, fellow eyewitness Bea Day declined to comment.

While some witnesses expressed concern over the Defective Defecator, other New Yorkers voiced their support. “It’s always the same crap, just a different day. I’m always down in the dumps. Yeah, I stink. Yeah, I’ll never be Charmin’. But the pooping perp spared me for once in my crappy life,” supporter Troy Lette remarked.

Many constituents pointed a finger at local establishments for supplying purgative products: “Yeah, man, the guy must have gone to the coffee cart. I mean, I don’t know what they’re putting in that coffee, but boy, did it work on me. I was in the middle of my math test, working on some A-S-A theorem, and then it started to smell like A-S-S in the room. Man, I can never show my face again. Wait, this is off the record, dude, right?” freshman Poupon Yu commented. 

As fear takes control of citizens, the search for the dung dropper has intensified—and so have calls for a description of the criminal.

“We are at a deuce with this Poo-dini. They left the scene without a trail, not even a skid on their way out… We have one suspect—the first reporter, in fact—in custody under Criminal Poocedure Law (CPL) Article 312: whoever smelt it dealt it. We encourage everyone to look for someone with a run in their jeans,” Lar G. Colon said.

Could it be a disgruntled commuter? No one can know, which is worrying so many New Yorkers. Who knows, maybe the pooping perp could be closer than you think, walking the halls of Stuyvesant. Or maybe they could even be the author of this article. Mr. E. Cheeks works in mysterious ways.