Why Do You Need to Google That?

Have you ever Googled something? Probably not, because 95 percent of all humans died before 2000, and you’re in that weird minority that uses Bing. But assuming you are a part of the five percent, you have mindlessly typed your question into the search bar and got your results. However, anybody who’s even slightly observant would have seen Google’s suggestions on what to search. So that’s what we’re here for, to find ridiculous Google questions and help you procrastinate.

1. “did the french government invade france”

Obviously not. You need to know two things. One is the little known fact that the French government is part of France. And secondly, you can’t invade something you’re a part of. Woah!!! Mind-blowing, right?

1. “are americans british”

No, of course not! How dare you disrespect the revolution, and George Washington, and Thomas Jefferson? How counterrevolutionary! 

1. “do people regret moving to texas”

Of course. It’s Texas, what else do you expect? It’s always 100 degrees outside, and they have 20 billion mosquitoes and 40 billion guns.

1. “how does trump like his steak”

See, I’m helping you procrastinate. By the way, he likes it well-done with a lot of ketchup (this is a terrible mis-steak). And this guy’s our president. 

1. “why are the british so good at everything”

They aren’t. For example, they aren’t good at keeping together a global empire and even worse at finding good food. We Americans haven’t ever lost an entire empire, and it’s totally not because we never had one. We totally have a cuisine that’s not just burgers and fries.

1. “why is new york so cold”

Have you heard of winter? No? Oh, you live in Florida. That makes sense. Florida doesn’t have four seasons. It only has two: summer and hurricane season.

1. “why is english a global language”

I blame the British.

Congratulations, you’ve just wasted five minutes of your time. Now go procrastinate even more by reading other Spectator articles (totally not an advertisement). Go google stuyspec.com!